Remembering the days

I didn't give it much thought  before because as usual,  I only live for the day.  Ye know what I mean?

I deal with each day separately. I don't want to worry about tomorrow because I only want to deal with the present.

Because thinking about the future scares me. I have a lot of fears but there's one particular fear that I hate the most.

Honestly,  every morning, I ask God to not make that fear happen.

I can handle being poor or being hated or being ugly. I don't mind all of that shit.

My only fear is dying alone. I've been living alone since I was 21.  I'm sure I'm used to it by now,  but living alone and dying alone are two different things.

I can handle living alone,  it's the dying part that I can't handle. 

My family and friends tells me to find a girlfriend and get married but that's easier said than done.

I've had too many failed attempts at relationships that somehow I've become scared, tired and somewhat uninterested.
I really want to be with someone again but because I haven't been into a relationship for a very long time..  I don't know where or how to start.

Also,  I've been heart broken so many times before that I feel like another failure would break me completely.

I'm not giving up on love though. Don't get me wrong, I just don't know how to start it again.

I actually want to tell someone  that I like her. But I'm afraid that if tell this person that I like her, things would be awkward between us and that's not what I want.

What's worst is,  she I might not see her again. So for now,  we wait. Who's we,  you asked?  That would be me,  the heart,  the mind and the spirit.

Because one false move,  the heart breaks,  the spirit shatters, the mind goes insane and the me will fall apart.

And that my friends is something that I can't afford. My family  depends on me.

I am the brother to my siblings,  I'm also the head of our family. And I'm  the one who makes sure that our family is still intact.

Ever since my father died when I was 14,  I became the head of our family.

At 14 I had to make adult decisions.  I had to decide the fate of our family and every decision that I made must be for the benefit of the entire family.

It sucked, I couldn't hang out with friends,  I had to have good grades at school. Making a mistake was not acceptable.

I wanted to do a lot of things when I was a kid but I couldn't do it because they were all useless stuff.

Honestly folks.  If you thought your life is tough, try to live mine and you'll probably ask me how I survived. Why am I still sane after all the hardships that I experienced.

The question is..  Am I really sane?

Well..  As a kid..  I was always taught to never quit after failing. Because quitting means weakness. And no one in the family is weak.

Well that's my. Life story so far.

Hopefully in my next life, things would be better.

Thanks for reading.

This is the result if you have no one else to talk to.