Dear person that I like the most

I wanted to tell you how I feel but I'm afraid that if I did,  it might change everything. Don't get me wrong, I'm not afraid of rejection because I'm used to that already.

What I'm afraid of is,  you might feel awkward about it and not talk to me like you used to. I'm also afraid that you might avoid me. Honestly, that would be worst than being rejected.

I honestly have no idea what to do. This shit feels like it's new to me. 

Flirting with someone you don't like is easier than being honest with the person that you actually like.

But I know that one of these days.  I have to tell you the truth.

Here we go again

It's one of those sudden feeling. You know what I mean?  One moment your just talking casually then suddenly you realize that you start liking this person but you're too afraid to tell her because it would devastate you.

Deep in your heart, you want to tell her how you actually feel but then, you realize the negative effect of what you're thinking.

This shit ain't normal and it ain't gonna be easy. I know that one way or another I have to tell her.

Because it's starting to hurt. The feeling is unexplainable.

Honestly, I just don't know how to begin. I've been out of it for so long that you just can't remember how this shit works.

First of all I've never been romantic or sweet before.  I guess I should start from there.

Or I guess I should start by telling her,  right?

You might be wondering why I'm writing this down instead of telling my friends? Well,  it's not that I don't have friends.  I actually have plenty but this shit is just too embarrassing to tell someone or anyone for that matter.

I'm fucking old to act like a high schooler.  When is was a kid,  I honestly thought that dating would be easy as you get older. It turns out,  that kind of thought is just fucking wrong.

Because, it's even harder as you get older.

Well that's it for today.

Remembering the days

I didn't give it much thought  before because as usual,  I only live for the day.  Ye know what I mean?

I deal with each day separately. I don't want to worry about tomorrow because I only want to deal with the present.

Because thinking about the future scares me. I have a lot of fears but there's one particular fear that I hate the most.

Honestly,  every morning, I ask God to not make that fear happen.

I can handle being poor or being hated or being ugly. I don't mind all of that shit.

My only fear is dying alone. I've been living alone since I was 21.  I'm sure I'm used to it by now,  but living alone and dying alone are two different things.

I can handle living alone,  it's the dying part that I can't handle. 

My family and friends tells me to find a girlfriend and get married but that's easier said than done.

I've had too many failed attempts at relationships that somehow I've become scared, tired and somewhat uninterested.
I really want to be with someone again but because I haven't been into a relationship for a very long time..  I don't know where or how to start.

Also,  I've been heart broken so many times before that I feel like another failure would break me completely.

I'm not giving up on love though. Don't get me wrong, I just don't know how to start it again.

I actually want to tell someone  that I like her. But I'm afraid that if tell this person that I like her, things would be awkward between us and that's not what I want.

What's worst is,  she I might not see her again. So for now,  we wait. Who's we,  you asked?  That would be me,  the heart,  the mind and the spirit.

Because one false move,  the heart breaks,  the spirit shatters, the mind goes insane and the me will fall apart.

And that my friends is something that I can't afford. My family  depends on me.

I am the brother to my siblings,  I'm also the head of our family. And I'm  the one who makes sure that our family is still intact.

Ever since my father died when I was 14,  I became the head of our family.

At 14 I had to make adult decisions.  I had to decide the fate of our family and every decision that I made must be for the benefit of the entire family.

It sucked, I couldn't hang out with friends,  I had to have good grades at school. Making a mistake was not acceptable.

I wanted to do a lot of things when I was a kid but I couldn't do it because they were all useless stuff.

Honestly folks.  If you thought your life is tough, try to live mine and you'll probably ask me how I survived. Why am I still sane after all the hardships that I experienced.

The question is..  Am I really sane?

Well..  As a kid..  I was always taught to never quit after failing. Because quitting means weakness. And no one in the family is weak.

Well that's my. Life story so far.

Hopefully in my next life, things would be better.

Thanks for reading.

This is the result if you have no one else to talk to.

Critical mass

Howdy, it's been a while. A lot has happened since my last post. Yep, a lot has happened.

I finally went to the doctor. Had my check up.. And it wasn't good news. Turns out, I'm diabetic, well not yet but my sugar level is so high that I'm close to being one. Hopefully, this shit will go down at the end of the month.

I haven't eaten meat for some time... Well 10 days to be exact then I decided to have a semi cheat day during the client visit... Now I'm back to eating fish and vegetable..

It's kinda depressing since i really really like eating. I kinda hate my blood line now. My genetics sucks big time. On my father side, they had heart, lungs, and liver prpblems.. And on my moms side of the family they have diabetes. Good job.

The doctor told me, that if don't lose weight, I'm prone to heart disease and stroke. Then it turns out my sugar blood level is so high, I'm diabetic.

That's what i call double whammy. Bad news after the other.

Although I don't have my family with me, I'm still glad some people are looking out for me. Thanks guizeee...

Oh yeah.. I think I'm starting to like someone.. I mean really really like someone..

It's been a whike since i felt this way.. It's a first time in a while where I look forward to seeing this person. I don't see her that often but when I do. She kinda makes me smile.

It's nice feeling. Although she doesn't know that i like her. I'm kinda scared to tell her how i feel. I'm not scared of being rejected since I'm used to it already. What I'm afraid is, she'll act awkward after knowing how i feel.

We don't see each other that often but I don't want things to be awkward when we do see each other.

I mean, i like how things are right now and i don't want to risk it.

What i like about her is she's smart. And she's cute and she's beautiful.

Well.. I'm sure she knows that she's beautiful coz i told her that she is.. In a jokingly manner of course.

For now, I'll just like keep what I'm feeling. I'll try to gather some courage before telling her.

If i was after sex, i would have been bold and told her already.. But she's not like that. She's someone I truly respect and i want to have a relationship with her.

She's soemone that i can love for as long as I'm alive.


So there you have. That's what happened. Honestly, if i was a good looking guy...

Well i think I'm not ugly..

Anyway, i don't know how to end this shit so good night.

posted from Bloggeroid

Principles in life

I think it's about time that I write down my principles in life. It's not like I actually use them or something but just in case someone asks me i I have any principle in life.. I would be able to say something.

For now I only have to that I would like to follow..

1. Serve the world and the people in it.
2. Be genuinely thankful and appreciate everything.

The first one doesn't mean you have to be a politician or a person in the government. It just means, help out people in anyway you can because nowadays people are passive and self absorbed. All they care about is themselves and their own interest. I mean, not all people but mostly are like that. 

The second one means.. it means as it says. Be thankful and grateful for everything that has happened in your life.  In this day and age, all we do blame god for everything.. or blame someone else for the misfortune that's been happening to us. We would probably blame the guy next to us at the bus or train station. Poor fellow, he doesn't even know that he or she is being blamed for something that he/she did not do.

What I'm trying to say is. Let's try to be thankful for the simple things that we have in life. Be thankful that you're alive. Be thankful that you have a family that loves you. Be thankful that you have friends that actually care for you.

There's so many things that we should be thankful about. I know the world is full of misery, suffering, pain and death, and mos of the time, we tend to forget that there's also love, happiness, birth and hope.

If we only notice that there's that instead of the other... I think life would be better for everyone. In essence, be thankful for all the shit that happened in your life because that will help you grown into a strong individual if you don't have a weak mind and spirit. But if you are a weak minded person... all the hardships will probably break you.

Anyway, I think I am done and I am not sure why I am writing this shit. 

If somehow this crap helped you.. let me know...

If it didn't.. then forget about it...

Rainy day on Monday

Finally it rained! It's not as humid as it should have been if it didn't rain.

posted from Bloggeroid

posted from Bloggeroid